Dec 16, 2016

THANKS FOR READING





*This is gunna be a long one so you may want to grab a cuppa/glass of wine, and biscuits...It is Christmas after all.

2016 - What a shit year.
I don't like to be negative but what the f*ck?! It seems like it was rubbish for a lot of people, just one of those years we all want to forget about. But I'll get back to that in a minute.

Current situation - I haven't blogged for a week or two because I'm in this weird transition between having cancer, cancer treatment and recovering. I only have 5 radiation treatments left, 5 Herceptin injections and a month or so break before I begin tamoxifen tablets (Tamoxifen is initially a preventative method, because it blocks the actions of estrogen.)
From what I've heard in the tamoxifen and breast cancer support groups online, it can take a while to get used to  it and it can have quite a few side effects, although some people are completely fine with it but I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.

The last few weeks have been quite rough for me, I think I mentioned it in my last post that I imagined I'd feel amazing after chemo and that just wasn't the case. Radiation is nothing like chemo but it isn't exactly a walk in the park. For some reason I am struggling a lot with nausea at the moment, which I think is a result of being at the hospital every day, although I'm on a different floor to the chemo ward it still brings back all those awful memories. The smells, the lighting, all of it. Yuck.

So I have been trying to spend a bit more time on 'self care' I realised that when I started chemo I was all about green smoothies and protein and nourishing my body. Which was great, until I was so f*cked that eating and drinking anything was a bonus, the least effort required possible was the best option which of course was not always healthy and probably why I just began this downward spiral from feeling like crap to feeling absolutely destroyed in every way possible.

I remember the first week I started radiation and my first sub-cut herceptin injection (which is a 5 ml 5 minute injection in the leg which hurts like hell) crying to Craig because I couldn't even walk. I looked a state, with no hair, my nails, skin and basically every part of my body just absolutely battered, the last straw for me was getting pains from the radiation and then my leg, not being able to walk. It felt like I'd been fighting for so long and it was just getting worse each and every week.It felt like although I'd won the fight against cancer I'd lost everything about myself in the process.

 I have definitely made a lot of progress since then and finally I feel like I'm at least on the road to recovery. My hair is growing back, my energy levels are slowly picking up and I'm trying to put a bit more effort into smoothies and food preparation again to give my body the best chance of healing. I desperately want to feel good again and I want to look good again too. Now I can actually see the start of a new and better life, I can see a future without cancer, without constant medication and hospital appointments and IVs and needles and drugs, which has been all I've had since June. Constant frickin' needles, blood tests and stuff pumped into my veins.

So this is a kind of 'wrap up' post. 2016 is nearly over and it's been one hell of a year. I'm now in 'recovery' mood and I think I need to focus all my energy on that over the next few weeks. I'm so excited about feeling healthy again, not being too tired to leave the house for longer than an hour and get round to doing lots of exciting things, like family trips, weekends away, beach days, paintings, photography and living life to the fullest.



This has been one of the hardest years of my life but it has been a year full of lessons and growth and making amazing friends and truly appreciating how precious life, and the people in it are.

I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to follow along on this journey with me. This blog and it's readers has been a huge saviour for me. In my darkest hours, I would cry over the keyboard, angry and sad and deflated and broken and the fact I could write it all down and that you guys would read it, that someone somewhere could relate, meant that I never felt alone. It was a way for me to process the absolute shit storm that I was going through, a way for people to understand what was happening to me, a way for me to help those who are going through the exact same thing and a way for me to feel like I was at least in control of something, a focus point in the middle of it all was exactly what I needed.

So I may be a little quiet over Christmas whilst I have some long awaited time to enjoy with my family. I won't be getting chemo and I won't be at the hospital everyday getting radiation. Hopefully I'll continue to keep feeling better and can get through the Christmas holidays without the constant urge to nap!

I'll be back in 2017 with a fresher outlook. I won't be blogging the ins and outs of cancer anymore but I will keep the more personal posts up. I think that in a world full of bloggers and pinterest and tutorials and perfect flat lays and marketing, people actually crave that diary style, raw posts that are just real and written about actual life, the highs and lows. So that's what I'm going to do. I hope I can blog about amazing holiday destinations I've visited, spend more time on photographing places I visit, more art posts, more style posts and even more Mummy posts.

I also have two very exciting business ventures coming up in 2017 which I can't mention too much about just yet. One of them is a joint venture with my partner, we've made an investment and are taking a huge leap of faith, it's something that has already had weeks of work put into it and has just started physically getting made. It's exciting and scary and I'm bursting with anticipation to put it out there to you guys.

But you'll just have to keep your eyes peeled for that.

Until then....

Thank you! For your love and support, for being here and reading this, I truly appreciate it. Have a brilliant Christmas and lets make 2017 amazing!

Love Hayley X




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